You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
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Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.