You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.