“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Canadian owl: Eh?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault