“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
You Might Also Like
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”