You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.