You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
become ungovernable
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.