You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
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Body by cheese-puffs.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace