You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
You Might Also Like
(Jupiter –
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
what could possibly go wrong?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
wait.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!