Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

So inspired right now.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth