You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?