Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

Bringing home a sharpie

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

A Monday every week is excessive

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.