Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

Wikigenius

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.