You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
You Might Also Like
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.