You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
The Onion called it…again.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
when there are deer in the woods
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down