You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Money is the root of all wealth
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!