You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
You Might Also Like
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Not😆🤣
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
from now on every time i think i’m hating too much, i will think of Kendrick and realize i’m not hating to my full potential
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?