You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
You Might Also Like
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My purse is deeper than some people.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!