You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
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The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.