Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.