You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
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I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.