You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Uh oh 👀
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”