You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.