Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite