You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
The symmetry is uncanny.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
#NeverForget
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.