You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18