Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes