You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work