You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
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Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.