Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

My wife gives the best headache.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.