You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
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Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Holy crap this is wonderful
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.