You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
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*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”