Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

uh oh

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’