Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

Warm pools make me nervous.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.