You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
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You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Spotted in New Orleans.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.