Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

SF is the wild wild west man

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.