Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

💀

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.