Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

Twitter fine art

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF