You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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Muppet Screams
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Yes
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.