Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.