You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Always…
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.