You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Ugh but profoundly
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.