You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”