You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
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god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.