Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Worth remembering.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…