Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

I need this for my side hustle.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.