You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
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911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
my nickname in college
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Sex so good you see dead people.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here