“you changed” bro i was 15
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date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.