“you changed” bro i was 15
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”