Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.