“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
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The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.