“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
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Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
I came this close!!!!
Windows
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
