“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
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Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Somedays I just love AI so much
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….