Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.