You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
🔦🌙👣
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.