You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
79.
