You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.