You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way