You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
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*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
This will teach them to underestimate me
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Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.