You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
A man of commitment.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*