You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.