You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no