You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise