You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
This is true.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
i’m gonna allow it
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy