Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

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not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.