You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
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At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.