you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.