you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
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[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.