you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.