you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!