you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
this is how life feels
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I feel seen.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.