You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
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Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.