Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

The photographer’s assistant

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.