Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?

14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.

me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES