Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

when revenge coincides with naptime

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

5 ways to appear taller

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting