Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.