Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.