Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Happy Friday