Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Stonehinge

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.