You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
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“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Do one person every day that scares you.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
The symmetry is uncanny.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
